I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been too busy playing with myself.
I’m serious. My boss recently told me and my co-worker about Meez characters (www.meez.com) and since then… well, let’s just say not too much work has been getting done in the O’Reilly Cambridge Office.
It’s great! Ingenious, actually. It encourages us to become absolute narcissists and wrapped up in a digital world. Isn’t this what American entertainment has been striving to achieve from the beginning?
Anyway you should check it out, make your own character, and friend me on Meez! Because collecting online friends is way more important to me than my human-to-human relationships.
Look! It’s ME!!!!!!! ME ME ME ME! Making my Meez dance is so much more fun than dancing in real life!
I’m a senior in college and I’m graduating in a month. I have been through some of the worst classes and hellish group projects known to man.
There’s this kid in my Managerial Accounting group who’s a Freshman (hence the term kid)… and he’s so fucking uptight! We’re having a group meeting today, and he sits upright as if he has a metal spine, he doesn’t take to jokes very well, AND, he wants to meet twice within the next week to go over a FIVE SLIDE PRESENTATION! You have got to be kidding me. And of course, there’s me, saying exactly that. I’m sorry, I can’t hold my tongue sometimes. Really? We’ve been going over this shit for weeks now, we need to meet twice to go over it just one more time?
Here’s what’s going to happen: we meet on Friday and spend 20 minutes going over the FIVE SLIDE PRESENTATION, assign parts, and talk about the presentation. We–or should I say I–spend the weekend not even worrying about it because I’ve done it so many times I can pretty much bullshit my way out of an execution by now, let alone a FIVE SLIDE PRESENTATION (which, we’re only responsible for ONE SLIDE EACH). Then, on Monday, I’m going to sit during our 10 minute meeting making rude noises and generally acting like a 2yo because I don’t want to be there (I really have to come to school on my day off for this shit?!). Everyone will get annoyed at me… at least you will, because everyone else will probably agree with me. Then, we’re all mad the next day during our FIVE SLIDE PRESENTATION, and you end up forgetting what you’re going to say (again, I’ve done this a million times, so I’m not going to fuck it up, believe me). You end up getting an F on the project, your GPA drops, you DON’T graduate SUMMA CUM LAUDE, and then you kill yourself.
You see the events you’re setting in motion by making us meet twice? Give it up, kid, life’s too short to be so uptight.
After being hit on by Mr. Dial Breath, I thought my day could not be any more complete. I was mistaken.
While at my second job, I hear my friend yell to me “FRAN! Someone’s buying your dress!” (Side note: I had purchased a different dress the day before for a wedding, but I had considered the garment that was now behind the register before the dress I actually bought won out).
No worries. Now picture this: a tall, fairly large man in a football jersey, with a bit of a goatee. Got it?
Okay, the dress was for him. I think the color would have complimented his skin tone nicely, and I kind of wonder if it looked better on him than it did me.
Do you all realize that Home Improvement is on Nick at Night? HOME IMPROVEMENT. That show ran until the late 90s. At the time this show was airing new episodes, Nick at Night was playing shows FROM THE 50s! How did we progress through 50 years worth of shows in under ten years? I remember watching I Love Lucy, Bewitched, Gilligan’s Island, Laverne and Shirley, All in the Family and The Jeffersons. Now they’re playing Home Improvement, Fresh Prince and The George Lopez Show. THE GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW! I can’t fucking believe that! Please, for GOD sakes, go back to the classics and save these shows for about 30 more years!
So, I was sitting at the front desk at work yesterday when suddenly, an elderly man with a walker walks (wheels? whatever) over to me.
“I wonder if I have bad breath,” he says to me. I shrug.
“When I was in the service, we used to brush our teeth with soap. I like it better than toothpaste,” he continues. I step into this one… I have to.
“Doesn’t that taste bad?” I ask him.
“Dial is about the best,” he tells me. “I like the taste.”
Apparently, this response is just not enough for me to nod politely and go on my way. After a brief chat about dental care (and my suggestion that if he does not enjoy toothpaste, maybe he should try nature’s toothbrush: the apple), he asks if I am married, or have a boyfriend, and then follows said questions with:
“You should come and chat with me sometime.” (insert thoughtful pause) “Oh wait, you can’t, you have a boyfriend.”
Yes folks, I have just been hit on by a man old enough to be my grandfather. Now, beauty is only a light switch away for some, but I don’t think there is enough tequila in the world that can make that the case. Even if his gums are moisturized by the gentle formula of Dial soap.
Doesn’t everyone wish they could break out into a dueling song and dance routine in the middle of the street every now and again? What’s so wrong with that?
Okay, so this video has been circulating for a while now, but it’s so adorable. Yes, I said adorable in reference to a baby. Though, technically, it’s not really the baby that’s adorable, but the older brother and his little boy British accent that you just want to put some sugar on top of and eat.
This one is a spoof of the one above, and is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen, if only for the guy in the background laughing his ass off.
I am taking a German history class that focuses on Hitler, WWII and the Holocaust. Yesterday, we watched a short documentary about the concentration camps, and saw some of the things the Nazis would do with the bodies of some of the dead, including using their fat for soaps, their skin for fashion (a kind of human leather), and their bones for fertilizer, among other things.
After the film was over, I overheard someone say this golden nugget of wisdom:
As I was watching that, I wasn’t really affected at seeing all of the dead people, but I couldn’t help thinking how efficient and productive the Nazis were at getting rid of the bodies.
I have horrible thoughts all the time, but I have to say that hadn’t even crossed MY mind. I guess she’s descended to a much lower level of hell than me. I’ll be sure to wave at her from my balcony.
I think I have the weirdest dreams sometimes. Nine times out of ten I can’t remember them, but every once in a while I wake up with a big ‘ole “WTF?” bubble hanging over my head.
This morning was one of the latter.
A guy was attacking me and a group of people (the only person I recognized was my sister), and we were all fighting him, but he kept coming. Somehow, we ended up in a van of sorts, with me sitting behind him, and I strangled him from behind. Now, I don’t know if it’s really possible to strangle someone from behind using only your hands, but apparently you can in my head. It actually felt more like compressing one of those plastic medical tubes against a metal pole. Having never strangled someone (from behind or otherwise) before, I can only assume that’s not how it actually feels. I kept the the strangulation going for a few minutes, and he seemed to be dead, but the second I let go he popped back up!
Then, suddenly, my sister was driving the van (which had somehow turned into an ambulance… with the steering wheel in the center of the console, since I was sitting on her left and someone else was sitting on her right), and she ends up T-Boning a truck in front of us.
This doesn’t seem to phase us in the least, because we get out of the ambulance and continue our dance with death (fighting the baddie who can’t be strangled), and we end up killing him with a pair of shock paddles from the back of the ambulance.
Interesting. I should probably buy a dream book and try to interpret it’s true meaning. It could mean anything really, like that I’m meant to be a vigilante crime fighter, or maybe, possibly, that I shouldn’t have eaten four hotdogs for dinner. (I had a craving, people!)
For some reason, sometime over the last day or two, the words “Firefly from hell!” popped into my head. I knew they had to be from a movie, but couldn’t remember which one, and it has been driving me up the freaking wall.
