Yeah, Great Blog…

I was riding the bus the other day when a woman with a baby stroller came on.  Now, there’s a spot RIGHT AT THE FRONT OF THE BUS for people in wheelchairs or for mothers with baby carriages, yet she chose to push the damn this all the way to the middle of the bus, almost cutting some people’s legs off and sneering at them for being in her way.

She settles next to where I’m standing and proceeds to make googoo noises, pull crazy faces and repeatedly CLAP HER HANDS at the poor child staring up at her.  Now, this was one of the youngin’s that I actually like, one that you could tell had a brain because he had intelligent eyes, taking in everything around him, that sort of thing.  No unfocused eyes and drool soaking his shirt, you know?  He was a little older (1? 1 1/2?  Not old enough to talk, but not a newborn, either) with a mat of silky black hair and big blue eyes.

Eyes that were staring at the woman standing over him AS IF SHE WERE CRAZY.

What really caught my attention was the little thing the child was wrapped in.  It looked like a space-aged sleeping bag, made of this shiny, reflective silvery fabric and totally encased the poor child.  He also had on winter clothes.

It was 65°.  It was the middle of MAY.

Then, SHE PROCEEDED TO PUT A WOOL HAT ON HIS HEAD!

The kid actually started whining at that point, I don’t know, maybe because he was fucking HOT?

Are you kidding me with this, lady?  You’re going to boil your poor kid to death with that shit, or else give him heat stroke!  It’s probably your first baby and you just want to be protective, but you need to loosen up a little bit.  Yes, he’s a baby, but he’s still HUMAN.  You’re human, or at least I assume so.  Maybe a sweater would have been okay, but would YOU have wanted to go around that day in a sleeping bag, winter clothes and a wool hat?  COMMON SENSE, please pick some up at your nearest Walgreens.

All I can say is, WATCH THIS.

I was walking to work this morning (yes, I’ve taken to walking to and from work everyday as T prices are ridiculous and exercise is only happening for me if it’s got a purpose) and I witnessed something that part of me wishes I hadn’t, but part of me is lucky I experienced if only to have a greater understanding of mankind.  

This college-aged woman passed me, binder held against her chest and iPod earphones attached.  Her long raven hair flew behind her in the breeze and even with a quick glance I could notice the perfect shape of her legs and conservatively painted toenails.  I didn’t give her a second thought, because if you throw a rock (or rather more apt would be a Gucci handbag?) on my campus you’re bound to hit one or two of these types of girls.  However, the two men walking behind me obviously noticed her and made it a point to comment directly to her just what they thought.

“You’re really beautiful you know that?”

Cue slight pause in which I thought, “wow there’s a nice compliment you don’t hear everyday, I wonder what it would feel like if someone said that to me while I was just walking down the street?”

But then he followed it with, “But you’re so stuck up, see, that’s your downfall.”

I’m assuming the gentleman was miffed at the lack of acknowledgment given by the woman, and thus felt justified in insulting her demeanor.  It is possible that she was willfully ignoring the comment, and if so I couldn’t exactly blame her.  It would be a bit jarring to be told such by a complete stranger at 8:30 in the morning when you’ve previously been solely invested in your own little isolated world that we all reside in when we’re walking somewhere to a predetermined destination.  However, my instinct tells me that it is more likely that she simply did not hear the comment because of the music blasting into her eardrums.  In this case, the stuck up follow up comment is really ridiculous and could be easily disregarded as someone needing to defend their bruised ego.

What I don’t understand is why people think that they can say such things to a stranger and make vocal judgments about their character when they’ve been in contact with the person for mere seconds.  When I walk down the street I either stare straight ahead or admire the cracks in the sidewalk as my feet fly past them.  I do not engage with others unless I know them from previous life situations (and even then, this is limited most of the time to a quick “hey”) or we are stuck in a situation in which we are confined close together for an extended period of time like inside a broken down T car.  

Do other people not feel limited in this way?  Humanity really confuses me.

I have no words…

Okay, I lied… I have words.

Are you fucking kidding me?  This kid stands there, all proud of what he did, thinking he shouldn’t be punished except for NO GAMES FOR THE WEEKEND?  Did you SEE what he did to his grandmother’s SUV?  HE RIPPED THE FRONT AXLE OFF!  Don’t worry about getting arrested, honey, BEAT THAT KID’S ASS!

Oh lord…

Okay, so you all watched American Idol on Tuesday and Wednesday (shut up, I know you did!).  It was a really great night and had some TRULY great performances… and some truly SHITTY ones, too!

The two Davids knocked it out, no one can deny that!  And even, to my chagrin, Syesha did well…  Brooke totally fucks up, has to START OVER, and does a so-so rendition of her song, while Jason Castro… lord, DON’T GET ME STARTED!

Okay, here’s the thing about him.  He always sings these songs and turns them into fireside hippy crap.  You know what I mean, he makes them all sounds the same and all you can do is bob your head along to them.

So, below you will find Brooke and Jason’s performances:

Did he do anything but BREATHE?  I couldn’t get past all of the inhaling and exhaling.  And, it pretty much SUCKED.

Yet, on Wednesday, CARLY GETS ELIMINATED!  Now, I know what happened.  People felt sorry for Brooke (rightfully) and Jason (so WRONGFULLY), and decided to flood in votes because they didn’t think anyone else would.  So, because of that, CARLY and Syesha got in the bottom two!

You watched the above videos, now watch this one…  It’s of Carly singing “Jesus Christ Superstar”!

HOW AWESOME WAS THAT?  Right?  Oy vey.  America, SO got it wrong!

Now we have to go through another week with Jason!  I like Brooke, and think she just had an off night, so I’m glad she wasn’t eliminated.  But JASON!  Pur-LEASE!  GO AWAY ALREADY!

For the hell of it, here are the other three performances…!

(P.S. Robin - I added this post so the next one wouldn’t be the first thing you saw when you visited!)

You may have noticed by now that my scattered appearances on this site are always about sex. Yeah… that probably isn’t going to change. I do have other fun and exciting topics for you, but forgive me if I have to work myself up to them. I mean, it is one thing to bring up Shindler’s Fist as casual dinner conversation, but as far as putting it on the internet where at some point my mother might come across it? It is a little unnerving.

Anywho, this entry is not about my vag (you’re welcome, Kyle), but it is an open ended question to the fellas in the house.

What is with masturbating into socks? I totally don’t get it. I mean… I am a lezzie and stuff so I’m not even sure, but does that shit wash out? Aren’t those socks dirty to have so close to your man parts? If they are clean then why not use them for your feet… to wear!

I would suggest jacking off with a condom on, but I don’t know if that works or not. If anything else a towel seems good. Plus I hear a lot of dudes do it in the shower. That seems like the best bet, but if you choose to do so you should definitely clean it up. I can imagine how pissed I would be if I went to take a shower and all my bath stuff was covered in gizz (jizz?). That would suck.

Total side note: Carly gets kicked off Idol? Wtf?

This morning while I was walking to work (yay sunshine!) I saw one of the most peculiar contraptions ever created for toddlers.  This young mother was pushing her son along on this big wheel bicycle.  Not just helping him along or what have you, but actually pushing the thing along.  There was a tall handle attached to the back that was just at the right height for an adult to grasp.  The kid was sitting on this bike DOING NOTHING!  The peddles just flew round and round as his chubby little legs hung off the sides motionless.  When I passed them, the little kid looked up at me with these round blue eyes as if to say “I’m just as confused as you are!”

If you’re going to transport your kid around town, get a conventional stroller.  Making the process of not walking cool and fun will delay the child’s natural development to being independent and capable of movement on his own for an extended period of time.  No, I don’t have data to support this, but it just seems to make sense to me.  The kid should be ashamed of the stroller.  The kid should want to walk around as soon as it is physically able to keep up pace with its parents.  This desire isn’t going to develop if the kid sees his stroller as a fun toy.  

However, I must admit that if the kid had been actually riding his big wheel down the cobblestone sidewalks of Back Bay I wouldn’t have been too pleased either.  That sort of activity is best reserved for playgrounds and back yards where those of us lucky enough to not be at the having children stage of our lives are not present.  Big wheels are toys and toys do not belong impeding the free flowing traffic of America’s 2nd best Walking City.

Everyone remember the big thing that Dane Cook was able to get over 2 MILLION friends on MySpace?  Well, I was just curious to see what the number was now, and it’s up to 2,352,433.  BUT HALF OF THE PROFILES ARE DELETED.

On the first page of friends alone, 32 out of 40 profiles were deleted.  It gets a little better as you go in, but seriously, he needs to clear out his friends list!  I went through the first ten pages, and there was average of almost 11 people deleted per page.  Over the 58,811 pages of friends he has, that would equal almost 650,000 profiles that have been deleted!  Of course, I didn’t go through every page (that would be STUPID), and I’ll wager that that amount is on the high side, for sure… But still!  It was this BIG THING a while ago, and it’s a LIE.

Clear out your friends list, Dane, so we can get the REAL number!

To check out Dane’s friend list, make sure you’re logged into MySpace, and then click here.  I’m not sure if it’ll work if you don’t have an account, but you can try!

This site has been live for a little over two months now (YAY!).  Through the WordPress Plugin that allows me to see how many people visit the site and what they look at, it also tells me search engine terms that people type into places like Yahoo! and Google that link to my site…  Here are all of them.

Now, some of those make sense.  Others, you know, frighten me a little.  What makes me laugh is that our MOST SEARCHED TERM result is “bow chicka bow wow” and a few other variations of the same thing, which I used in this post.  Really, people search for that?  I guess so, if they also search for “pat kerr” (I’m officially offended, by the way.), “i shouldn’t look at” (What? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING!) and “all-in-one sweet tarts rope help” (I didn’t realize they were so hard to eat!).  OH, and to the person who searched for “babies who just pooped”… email me.  And the person who’s “unable to get [him/her]self off”, Angela has some nice books you might want to check out.

I’m not even going to mention some of the other ones.  I’ve crossed them out because they’re disgusting…!  You’re going to Hell.  And not the same circle of Hell that I’m going to be in, because that’s reserved for cynics and people who curse in front of their mothers (guilty).  You’re going to be several circles below me so that I can pee on your head.  A lot.  And I’m going to enjoy it.  (Bring on the search engine links for watersports!)

Okay, I saw this clip posted over at dooce (whom I LOVE!), and just HAD to share it with you.  Check out what dooce has to say about it here, because she does it more elequantly than I ever could…

You don’t think the commercial could possibly be about what you first think it is… but it SO IS.  Check it out below:

Thanks to this video, today will go down as one of the best days of my life.  EVER.